Dreams vs. Fear - second draft

Following My Dreams
By Trevor Gustafson

From the youngest baby, crying for attention, to the oldest senior, sitting lonely in a nursing home. From the nun locked away in a convent in the coldest section of Siberia, to the glamorous pop star on TV. From the country redneck, to the city hillbilly. All these have one thing in common: they have dreams, aspirations and longing. I, too, have dreams, though sometimes I find that it is not always easy to follow them. The road that leads to the completed dream is quite blurry, and what I see appears to be treacherous. Is it worth it to follow a dream?

My dream is to become an architect and design buildings that will be both practical to the user, and pleasing to the eye of the beholder. I am fascinated by the concept of being able to have an enormous idea in my head, draw it, and have it built. That is not to say that the job of an architect is easy, but in my mind it seams very gratifying. Do I get this love from my parents? Grandparent? Aunts, Uncles? No relative that I know of has been an architect so it seams to me that no human influence has persuaded me to be an architect. In fact, my parents have unknowingly somewhat aggravated my architectural desires. My parents are extremely practical people; we have very little in our house that is for design. Everything must have a “purpose.” While I believe architecture must be foremost functional, I also believe it should be artistic.

You might say, “But there are plenty of other jobs were you might design something and see it built. How about manufacturing?” Yes, there are many jobs that design and build things, but somehow, I am attracted to buildings. I have no idea why. When I see a cool building as I drive by, I automatically press my nose to the window to see. When I walk into a building and notice a floor plan on the wall, I will instantly go over and memorize the plan. Those who are with me think that I belong in a mental institute; I mean who actually reads those building maps? I do. I don’t really know why. I just do. My parents tell me that when I was young, and I was visiting a friend in the hospital, I was fascinated by the architecture at the hospital. What normal person would care to notice the architecture in a hospital? Or how about when I go to a museum and am more fascinated by the way the walls meet up with the ceiling than I am with the exhibits. Sometimes my desires seam really weird.

Why do I love buildings? Am I the type of person who spends all his time inside? Most definitely not. I love being outside, hiking, backpacking, biking. I love buildings that showcase pieces of nature. What I do not love is the elements. While looking at rain doesn’t necessarily get me down, there is nothing more irritating to me than having to be outside, getting soaked in the rain. Maybe my love of architecture stems from my hatred of the elements. Buildings were initially built for the sole purpose of keeping out the elements. Maybe I love architecture because I dislike the elements so much. Maybe I love architecture because I love creating things. Maybe I love architecture because I love that type of art form. I don’t really know.

I consider doing another occupation day after day after day and I think I would realize that I would never be fully satisfied where I was unless I was designing buildings. If I were to become a CEO of a company, which is probably my second favorite prospective career choice, I might enjoy some aspects of the job, but I would be more interested in giving the company a bigger or more beautiful building. To me, taking any other career would be stupid. Why should I always be wanting to be an architect but never fulfilling my dream?

Where do my dreams come from? They are certainly not all from my parents. Things such as hating the elements may have influenced me, but I personally believe that my desires are placed there by God. I believe that God sometimes uses them to show me what he wants me to do. Desires are not all bad. Sometimes they are God’s leading. My highest concern throughout my decision making process is to follow God’s will.

God has given me gifts. One of those I believe is the gift of architecture. I should use the gift that God has given me. I don’t want to waste a gift, but there are other gifts that God has given me besides architecture. Take Music, for example. Does God want me to bless people through music as a career? Or does he want me to bless people with the gift of architecture? I wish I knew.

Now architecture is not a wealthy business. In fact, for the amount of school required, the pay is down right low. Why is money not an issue for me? Why wouldn’t I want a cool car, the biggest house on the block, and a dream vacation every year to Hawaii? To be honest, I do want all those things, but I feel that being at a job where I belong is more important than the money. When I am on my death bed, will I remember that car I bought in 2013? Now was that a Porche or a mustang? It really won’t matter. What will matter is what I have left the world. Have I left it a better or a worse place? Have I used my gifts wisely or poorly? At least to me, happiness is not obtained through a pay check, but rather through serving others in ways I know I am gifted at. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive.

What about the challenges of becoming an architect? What must I do to obtain this desire of becoming an architect? When I look at becoming an architect, I see a very difficult road ahead of me. I must attend seven and a half years of college. Having been home schooled all my life, this seams like a terribly daunting feet to accomplish. Once I transfer to a four year college, I will not know until my second year there whether or not I am going to be accepted into the program so that I can continue at the school. Then, once I have completed my seemingly endless years at college, I must find a place to apprentice at. After I have served a minimum of two years there, I must study for, and then take a gruelingly long test to become a licensed architect. But it’s not just one test for the entire nation. No, I must take a different test for every state that I wish to be licensed in. These are just the major things that I am aware of. I shiver to think of what small obstacles are lying, waiting for me.

Has being home schooled increased my fears? Possibly. I have been at home, around my loving family for most of the days of my life. The prospect of only seeing them a couple times a year seams heart wrenching. But isn’t this something that every teen who has a close relationship with his family, home schooled or public, encounters? I think it is. I think that it may be more difficult for a home schooled student, but I know it shall be a growing experience for me. However growth means challenges. Challenges mean uncertainty. Uncertainty leads to fear.

Every time I start to fear about my future career I say to myself, “so self, what else could I do as an occupation besides architecture?” Every single answer that self has given me, I have rejected. I consider doing that job day after day after day and I think I would soon realize that I would never be fully satisfied where I was unless I was doing architecture. I would always wonder what if? What if I had overcome my fears? What if I had gone to school and gotten my degree? What if someone had hired me and I could be fulfilling my dreams of designing buildings right now? What if? But as many times as I say this, something, somewhere in my stomach says, “But what if by the time you finish school you decide you don’t want to be an architect. What if no one will hire you?” And so the inward battle rages on.

Why do I fear so much? Might it have something to do with a loss of certainty about my future? Quite possibly. I know that I cannot see what will happen in the future. I want to be in charge of everything. I want to know what will happen. The cold truth of life is that I will never know what tomorrow may bring. I know that God is in control of whatever happens, but I feel like part of my life would be wasted if I were to go to school and yet not make it as an architect.

When confronted with a choice, do I try to figure it out all on my own? Of course not. There are many people that are experienced and thus qualified to give advice. Two of those people who I consult would be my parents. They are older and wiser than me, and while I don’t always agree one-hundred percent with them, I know they have my best interest in mind. Plus I know that they will always love me. My parents have given me lots of wise counsel about priorities in life. Is money or fulfillment better? God’s will or mine?

Another person I have contacted is local architect, Michael smith, who works at Zervus Group architects. I asked him about what all was involved in becoming an architect. Now maybe I might have discovered that there was some major part of being an architect that I would dislike, or downright despise. Michael may have been able to tell me some other similar occupation that would not entail this despised task. That was not the case, however. Talking with him actually gave me encouragement towards becoming an architect. I was able to ask him about what school I should go to, and what I would expect there.

Why do I talk to others? Because they have more experience than me. Not that they necessarily have a higher I.Q. level per say, but because they have more life experience. Instead of looking for a school that has the best parties, maybe I should look for one that Michael said firms would look at to fire from. Talking to Michael relieved some of my fears. He was able to tell me what to expect at college. If I had not sought advice, I may have ended up going to a bad school.

So what am I going to do? On the one hand, all the clues seem to be pointing to become an architect, but on the other hand, could my fears be for a reason? I don’t want to waste so much of my life pursuing a dream that will be gone in five years. As the time approaches to when I must make my decision on whether I am going to transfer to the Washington State University’s school of architecture or not, I am sure of one thing: God will provide.